This 1 bedroom apartment is on the top floor of 313 Harris st in Pyrmont. The female landlord has the same name as a German car brand. Much like a used car saleswoman, this woman is SLICK and will present as a smiley, fair, honest landlord that you'll be lured into signing a lease after the "blink and you'll miss it" inspection, with Miss M smiley speaking as if you guys could be pals, and she'd LOVE to have you as a long-term tenant. All her previous tenants happily rented the apartment for YEARS. You'll believe she actually gives a shit about the apartment you're about to move into.  Her gaslighting and manipulation techniques have been honed to a fine art after years of practice so you won't even notice the little gaps and contradictions in timelines and tenants. You'll be told the rent has been reduced by over $100 because of covid and the last tenant was paying the full "market rent".  Fkn bargain. Sign me up you say. 

Firstly, congratulations on being cashed up enough after lockdown to fund the extra removalists costs involved with getting all your shit up 7 flights of stairs. 

The freshly painted blue walls, fresh ceiling paint, block out blinds, etc etc were improvements that I put my time and money into.  You're welcome. The previous paint job was 15 years ago. Do not expect or hope that the LL will put any of her own money into her "asset". Ever. 

The carpets that are so stained and smell funky? Im sorry. It was the best I could do after 12-15 steam cleanings. I recommend heading to kmart to buy enough affordable rugs and runners to cover it with.  The rugs won"t help with the sinus infections and problems you will start developing over the months though. Investing in a $900 air purifier won't help with this much at all either. 

I think the walls of the building might have actually been made out of paper machie. Not only will you be able to hear if any other resident ANYWHERE in the building is getting jiggy with it, unless you make absolutely zero noise by muffling moans, and cushioning bedheads from walls with your pillows, the entire building will also be able to hear when you are getting jiggy with it.  

Get used to falling asleep to the sounds of your new gamer neighbors talking smack to some other gamer at 3am. Thats if they're not squealing stupidly. You will begin to wonder if they have a pet elephant that enjoys stomping up and down the stairs at 1am. I advise against politely asking them to keep it down unless you enjoy combat. You"ll be laughed at, or told to f off. Let someone else call the cops. Save your time. When the cops do finally arrive, they will suddenly turn into misunderstood hospitality workers, just a couple of workmates getting together for a laugh after so many months of being in lockdown. The cops will buy their story and warn them to keep it down from now on. They won't. They don't give a shit if you have to get up for work in 4 hours or if its the 3rd night in a row you have been kept awake by their noise levels.  Invest in a good selection of earplugs and hope you will hear your alarm enough to wake up on time in the morning.

The walls also start leaking a orange/yellow substance if the walls get steamy. The walls will always be steamy because there isn't any ventilation in the place anyway.

You will have huge electricity bills from running a small heater so you don't freeze in winter, and then running a pedestal fan to move air around in summer. The apartment won't have enough room for a small portable airconditioner, so forget this summer and whatever plans you have, you're going to be laid out for those 3 months from heat exhaustion.

Lonely sometimes? You won't ever be alone now! You'll have lots of german cockroaches to keep you company. You will need a combo approach of using pest control baits, pastes, gels barrier sprays constantly to keep the daily roach count to about 5 or 6. LL will tell you the roaches are fine and you'll be made to feel like an entitled and privleged jerk for asking for a pest inspection to address the roach numbers. 

You will also be made to feel like an entitled jerk for asking for repairs not related to electrical faults or flooding. Nothing will be her responsibility anyway, and she will tell you to contact strata for all repairs. If she tells you to buy something for the apartment, promising that she'll reimburse you for it later, Do not fall for it. You'll never see that money again. 

Only wear black from now on, that way you won't see the black marks that the washing machine will leave on everything. The dryer is only good for tripping the circuit breaker. The washing will take so long to dry on the clothes airer due to the lack of daylight, your clothes will have a permanent moldy smell to them.

The lack of natural light will also do your depression the world of good. Don't have depression? Give it a few months. You soon will.

The positives of the apartment? It has an amazing hot water service. It will stay hot to do one lot of dishes, 2 buckets of water for soaking clothes or cleaning a for one person to have a hot shower for about 15 minutes before going dead cold instantly and without warning. You'll have hot water again in about 2 hours. 

All round good times as the tenant of the shittiest apartment in the building. Hold your head high though, because you're paying as much as the guy renting the newly reno'd apartment a few doors down!